My Testimony

May 03, 2021

I made the decision to follow Jesus when I was four years old. I was blessed to have grown up in a christian home all my life so stories of Jesus were very very common growing up.


I went to church every time the doors were opened, memorized all the verses that got you the award at the end of each year, and even participated in all of the choirs and plays.


Growing up, I just kinda went through the motions as a typical christian gal would. Middle school is where my testimony starts to become mine. 


In 7th grade until the end of 9th grade, life was hard. I was emotionally abused and verbally bullied by people who claimed to be my friends. I was made fun of by the guys in my class and looked at as the stuck up goodie two shoes who didn't know how to have fun. 


I never really had anyone stay loyal to me as a friend for a substantial amount of time either. I trusted too easily and always seemed to get stabbed in the back. I was alone.


Because of this, and some other personal things going on at the time, I experienced major anxiety. I was afraid to be left alone because I knew that I would be left alone with my thoughts and that thought alone was terrifying in itself. I rarely talked about it because I felt as though no one could truly understand. 


My confidence was basically nonexistent. I thought there was something wrong with me or that I was doing something wrong and that’s why no one liked me. I questioned my health. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, genuine enough, cool enough, or nice enough.


During this time, my family was really all that I had. My parents had to limit the amount of time that I spent with friends because they knew it would result in some type of bullying or shaming.


There was a period of time where a boundary that they had given me was that I couldn’t hang out with anyone outside of school or church. How terrible is that?... But that really was what was best for me at the time.


I remember thinking to myself how miserable I was. I desired to do what was right but could never catch a break. Somebody always seemed to have an opinion about how I acted or looked. I could never get a grip on my thoughts or even keep a good friend.


I never ever thought I would escape this reality. I debated homeschooling because I knew that if I did that, then I would at least get an escape from all the drama that took place outside of my home. 


I always cried in my room just questioning why in the world God was allowing this to happen to me and when it would stop. I questioned why He made me the way He did and wondered why He hadn’t taken any of it away yet.


BUT aint it just like the Lord to step in right when we think we’ve taken all that we can take?


I ended up not homeschooling and funny enough, that same school year is when a lot of the drama seemed to die down. I started surrounding myself with kind and uplifting people. I started taking my faith more seriously and as a result, started to care less and less about what others thought of me.


The last years of high school weren’t perfect in the slightest, but overall they ended up being so fun with memories that I will seriously take with me for the rest of my life. Praise Jesus.


I reflect back on my junior high and high school years quite often... I've grown in lots of ways and realized several areas to improve on. (Giving yourself grace when you fail is key, no matter what anyone else thinks.)


There are days when things of the past still trigger different emotions in me, but overall the Lord has delivered me and taught me so much.


He was faithful then, so He is faithful now. 


Nowadays, when I feel betrayed, Christ proves His protection. When I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, because yes that still happens, I rest in the truth of His word even if my faith is only the size of a mustard seed.


When I question why the Lord is calling me in the direction He is, I know that if I continue in obedience and aim for Christlikeness, it will all work out in the end. Christ is near and will always be! 


So this is my testimony and what has made me into the woman I am today. If there is anything I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it would be all of this: 

- You do not have to prove who you are to anyone.

- There will never be a time where EVERYONE likes the way you look, think, or act. You could look amazing and do everything perfectly right and someone will still have something to say about it. Sadly, that’s just life.

- You will sometimes have to stand alone, and that's okay. Just follow Jesus best you can

- Give yourself grace when you do fall short because honey you will.

- Strive to do better every day.

- Remain teachable and work towards humility.

- Memorize Philippians 4:6-8


Friend, whatever you are going through, just trust that it is not your forever. It is just a moment in time. This never-ending situation will come to an end. You may be broken now, but little by little the Lord will start to pick up the pieces and you'll see everything come back together as it should. 

- Crystal

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