My Journey With Anxiety: Kayla Milligan

 “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” (Psalm 56:3)

Growing up, I was a very anxious kid. Ask anyone that knew me as a child and they would agree.

For the longest time, I wasn’t able to sleepover at other people’s houses. I was so scared and anxious when the time came to go to sleep. I would just picture every bad thing that could happen.

I would wonder if their parents remembered to lock all the doors, if they had an alarm system at their house, if someone was going to break in, if anyone would even wake up if something bad happened. My mind would come up with every bad thing possible. This is how my thought process worked at a very young age.

I was terrified of being sick and throwing up was one of my biggest fears. If I even felt slightly nauseous I would go into full panic mode and stress and worry about getting sick. 

I was very aware in public settings and what was going on around me. I wouldn’t like to go into crowded rooms by myself, someone would always have to come with me.

I struggled to sleep as a kid. I would wake up in the middle of the night and be terrified of the dark and think something bad was going to happen to me. I would call my mom into my room to sleep with me because I felt safe when she was there. My mind was so imaginative that when my mom would come into the room I would ask her to tell me our secret password to make sure it was really her. That is how messed up my mind was and explains how anxious my thoughts were.

All of those were examples to show you that as a child, fear crippled me. It had a hold of me and I had no idea how to be set free from it. 

To this day, I still struggle with anxious thoughts, but I am far better off than I was as a child. Since I found Jesus, I have learned His heart and how He is always there to protect us. I had to learn to place my trust in Jesus, that He was in full control and He would be my strong tower I can run to when I feel afraid. He is my refuge in times of distress.

When I would be scared as a kid, my mom would tell me to recite this verse. Psalm 56:3, “What time I am afraid I will trust in thee.” This was the verse I would go to in times of extreme fear and anxious moments.

I still recite it when I need a reminder of who I put my trust and faith in. God says over and over again in the Bible “Do not be afraid.” He understands our struggles, but He also promises to be there with us every step of the way. We just have to trust Him.

I have found freedom from crippling anxiety through Jesus, and you can too. No one is perfect, I still struggle with anxiety daily, but I at least now have a best friend who can help me through it, and my best friend is pretty awesome. He is the Creator of the whole world and the one I can lean on and go to in times of anxious moments.

This past summer, I started to become more anxious than I had been in a while. I got hit by two very bad sinus infections within a couple of months, which put me in bed for around 2 weeks both times. I was so dizzy and weak that I physically could barely do anything. 

This caused me a lot of anxiety and panic concerning my health. In the midst of this, COVID-19 is still a thing, and I'm preparing to move nine hours away from home to go to college in the middle of a pandemic. So, as you might imagine, my emotions were all over the place.

I went to the doctor right before I left for college and I told her about all of these struggles I was having. I ended up taking a test and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I always knew I struggled with being anxious and having fears, but I never thought I had it "bad enough" to where I would need medication.

The truth is, I accepted anxiety as a part of my personality and identity. This is so so wrong. I thought that was just the way I was and there was nothing that could be done about it. Those are all lies.

As a Christian, I also felt bad for even dealing with anxiety or thinking about getting medication for it. I felt so discouraged that I couldn't figure out a way to get rid of it. I'm supposed to just pray to God and He will heal me from it, right?

An anxiety disorder is a mental illness. Hence the word, illness. God doesn't promise to heal everyone from every disease, illness, or sickness they ever have. 

It wasn't my fault for having anxiety. I shouldn't feel guilty for it. That day, I learned that it's not normal for people to live in fear. Not everyone deals with anxiety and there is hope for me. Doctors and medication were created BY GOD for a reason.

He wouldn't have created them if He had no intention for them to help people. I finally understood that yes, I struggle with anxiety, and no, I don't need to feel guilty for it. Taking medication for it isn't a bad thing either.

I will always continue to pray and seek God about my anxiety, but I will also be on medication that can help me emotionally and mentally.

I have been on medication for my anxiety since last August, and let me tell you, it has been such a blessing in my life. Of course, it doesn't just magically take all of my anxiety away, but it definitely has helped me to not be crippled by it.

I challenge you, if you struggle with any mental health illness, you are NOT alone. You are NOT weak. It is NOT your fault for struggling with this. God will deliver you through this struggle, and He will be right by your side. 

Talk to your parents, go see a doctor, or go see a therapist. Do whatever you need to do, and deal with your struggles. Stop trying to act like they aren’t there. You weren't meant to struggle alone, and there are doctors that have been researching for years and have medication that can help you, if that is the path you need to take.

Stop fighting alone, through Christ we can do anything and get through anything.

Mental illness is real, but our God is bigger, stronger, and more real than anything we may face in this world. He will see us through.

Now that I have grown closer to God over the years, I know His heart and the promises He has made to us. I know He will be with me through anything and everything. He is always there when I call out to Him.

Verses to cling to in anxious times:

• Psalm 56:3
• Philippians 4:6-7
• 1 Peter 5:7
• Psalm 94:19
• 2 Timothy 1:7
• Psalm 34:4
• Psalm 23:4

- Kayla Milligan