When God Seems To Feel So Distant... : Capri Gandy

Everyone meet, Capri Gandy! 

Capri and I have been friends since high school. Side note, she gets married in less than two weeks! Whoop whoop!

Ever since I have known her, Capri has always loved the Lord, Scripture, and others in way that motivates me to do better. In her blog post today though, she talks about her personal struggle to believe and find hope in the darkest of storms. I hope this post reminds you that you are never alone and that FAITH truly can set you free! 

- Crystal Horton 

Have you ever sat in desperation for the touch of Jesus? Have you cried out to Him and felt like He was not listening? Have you ever wondered if God even listens to you? If your answer is yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. I too have asked these questions many times.

About two years ago, I was losing faith in God. It was the fall of 2019, and I started experiencing serious health problems. I was in the worst pain I have ever endured in my life.

I would wake up in the middle of the night in pain, and in the morning, I could barely make it out of bed. I was constantly hunched over in severe pain that made walking unbearable. Worst of all, I was on the toilet about 50 times each day; sometimes, I could not make it to the bathroom. I will spare you the other gruesome details.

I went to various doctors and specialists, but none of them could diagnose or relieve my condition. They prescribed a high-fiber diet, and I ended up losing over 30 pounds in a matter of a couple of weeks. Nothing I did seemed to work. This nightmare continued for 4 months straight.

I felt trapped, alone, frustrated, confused, and terrified. I cried out to God for help every second of the day, but it started to feel like I was just talking to a brick wall. I became angry at God. I did not want to pray anymore. I thought that He did not care about me and was ignoring my suffering.

For the first time in my life, I started to believe that God did not exist. I started to not care about anything at all. I isolated myself because I felt too sick to even get out of my house. I hated everything and everyone. I felt like my life was a living hell, to be honest.

This started to really scare my family, so they scheduled a colonoscopy for me to figure out what was wrong. I desperately wanted to avoid this because I was afraid of receiving a diagnosis that I would not like.

When I woke up from my colonoscopy, my doctor shared unfortunate news with me. He told me that I have ulcerative colitis( UC). UC is a chronic inflammation of the large intestine. As I am slowly waking up from anesthesia, he tells me that there is no cure to this illness and that I will have it for the rest of my life. I will have to take medicine daily, as well as limit my diet and environment. I began to panic and realized my life was soon about to change.

After finding out this news, the only thing I knew to do was pray. I broke down in tears and found myself crying out to God. I realized that I had let Satan win the past 4 months and I felt awful. I believed so many of Satan’s lies and I let him make me feel defeated.

Verses started to pop in my head and it gave me an immediate peace. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you”(1 Peter 5:7).

These past couple of years have not been easy. I have good days and months, but sometimes I would have flare-ups that kept me at home. Last December, I experienced a bad flare for the whole month. It was almost as bad as my original episode 2 years ago. This time, it really scared me. I had been on medicine but it was not working. My doctor even put me on steroids to minimize the flare-up, but for the first time, it did not work.

I was disappointed and scared. I hated my life and wanted my life to end. I felt like I was drowning in deep water and couldn’t make it up for air.  My life was a rollercoaster full of highs and lows; I seemed to be in the lowest depths of the ride.

However, I did not want to let Satan win again. I cast all my anxieties upon God and placed my health in His hands. I felt so close to Jesus during this time that it brought me joy in the darkness.

Something that grabbed my attention is the encouragement, my fiancé, Ryan, told me. He said “Remember the woman in the bible who was bleeding for 12 years? She believed she would be healed if she simply touched his cloak. Jesus turned around and said `Because of your FAITH, I have healed you” (Matthew 9:22).

I finally understood! It was not any medicine that healed her. It was not even the touch of His cloak. It was her FAITH in Jesus that healed her!

I had had it all wrong the past two years. I was putting my faith in medicine, doctors, healthy food, and essential oils. All of those things are great, but Jesus is greater. I know this journey with my illness will not be easy because it has not been easy so far. Yet, I believe in a God who is bigger than any disease and can heal this body that He created.

- Capri Gandy